Anniversary

I never thought getting through the 6-month anniversary of my mom's death would be easy, but I did not imagine how difficult is would be either. Thursday or Friday (still have no confirmed date of death) marked that day for me and my family. I felt such a loss, almost as if there was an actual hole in my heart.

I tried (and continue to try) not to dwell on the unanswered questions, but to focus on those that are resolved. I trust the detectives to do their job and identify the killer. I am not fooling myself by thinking that will make any of this experience any easier or less painful, I am just hoping for an answer or two. Eventhough I have to accept reality that I may never get an answer.

I talked with the detective today. I felt I could not let the day pass without letting him know the significance and importance of this anniversary to me. He was reassuring and very kind to me. I understand he and the department have a lot they are responsible for, but I need them to remember my mom's murderer(s) is still out there somewhere. . .

Today marks six months ago that my mother's body was lying in her apartment, having had life so cruelly snatched from her. I ask you who knew her to pause for a bit and remember good times and laughter you shared with her. Remember her smile and her giving attitude.

I haven't posted in a while because I have nothing new to post. The detectives continue to work the case, looking for answers.

I have had more patience since our meeting with the detectives. I can only attribute that to all of the information and insight they provided when we met with them.

I have to think that somebody somewhere knows something. Why is no one coming forward? I wish I knew!

On a lighter note, I have my 1st job as a nurse. I am loving it! I truly feel my purpose in life is to be a nurse. Before, I could never imagine being as passionate about a career as I am. I work in an ER so you can only imagine what I get to see and learn. I love that we never know what's coming through the door next. I believe that my life's experiences this year have helped to make me a better nurse (I had to search for a long time to find that silver lining!).

Thanks for reading and passing on the link to my blog.

Questions Answered

Well, this week has been filled with anxiety for me. Thursday I had a meeting scheduled with the lead detective (I'll refer to him as "#1") on my mom's case. Imagine my sense of defeat when I arrived at the detective bureau and learned he was not working.

I felt I could not leave there without talking to someone. I was able to talk to his partner (He's "#2"). #2 gave me and my husband a lot of information, not especially specific to my mom's murder but to violent crimes. He gave us insight about how they are working the case.

#2 told us #1 would return on Friday. I told him to relay a message to #1 that we would be back on Friday.

We were able to meet with #1 yesterday. Again he gave us more information and insight. He encouraged me to be patient, which can sometimes be VERY hard in this situation.

He allowed my husband and I to view a couple of the crime scene photos. Why? I had a glimmer of hope that since none of my family had seen the body that maybe it wasn't my mom. Now I can rest assured it was her, not some other person.

Before seeing those pictures I knew my mom had died a violent death, but after seeing them I more fully understand how violent it was. I didn't tell any of my family or close friends beforehand because this was very personal to me. I don't want anyone else to see those pictures. They are horrific, but not as bad as I had imagined.

Strangely enough, I can honestly state that I feel better after seeing them. I no longer can question if it was my mom who died.

I am so thankful to #1 and #2. They both spent an hour or more talking to me and my husband. They gave us information and patiently answered all of our questions. I feel so much better now.

The new video I have posted was sent to me by a dear friend. I believe she first heard it on her way home after my mom's funeral. I think it is an excellent song and appropriate for what life has been for the last few months.

I was finally able to talk to the detective today. Nothing new from him. He is waiting on results from the recent DNA samples he sent to the Crime Lab. Wonder how long that wait will be? Days? Weeks? Months? A year, or more?

I planned a meeting with the detective this week. My husband is going with me for support. Hopefully I will know more after then; I know I will have at least one question answered (I will post more on that after I go). I am anticipating a very difficult meeting emotionally, but I feel I am as ready for it as I can be.

I ask you to continue to remember me and my family in your prayers. Even though I have more good days than I did a few months ago, the hard days still bring me to my knees at times. I think my mind has grown accostomed to the thoughts and concept of what happened, but my heart still hurts so much.

I have finally achieved one of my lifelong dreams, becoming a nurse. . . something I have wanted to do since I was 4 years old! I know my mom would be so proud of me. I am saddened that she is not here to share in this experience.

Video

Turn your sound up a bit and you can hear the music that accompanies the video I have added to my blog.

The song is "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. I chose this song because I remember hearing this song shortly after my mom's death and thinking if anyone ever had a bad day, it was definitely her. Since then, everytime I hear this song I immediately think about my mom and all that has happened. Often times it can still make me cry.

I plan to change the videos periodically, so if you have any ideas let me know (Thanks LKJ!).

Again, thanks for continuing to read my blog and passing the blog address along to others.

I have not been posting as regularly as I was simply because I have nothing new to tell or report. This whole process has been so frustrating and exhausting.

I have not talked to the detective this week, although I have attempted to each day. I can probably guess what he will say to me, but I still need to hear it from him.

I'm sure I have posted a comment similar to this before, but making sure my mom's murder(s) is/are caught and have their day in court is the last thing I can do for her.

My mom and I had always been so close. It was almost like we grew up together, as she was only 19 when I was born. I considered her my best friend for many years, we talked several times each day.

A couple of years ago things began to change. Our lives took different paths. She made some choices that I did not approve of and I felt I needed to protect my family, especially my child. At times we were barely even civial to one another. The last time I saw her it was much better. I think we had both begun to accept the other's position and point of view, even though we may not have approved.

Making sure her killer(s) is/are found is the LAST thing I can do to let her know how much I loved her, even though we did have our differences.

Dreams

I have started my first job as a nurse. For a few weeks I will be working every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night; which means I sleep all weekend days. I tell you all that to tell you this: I have had very few dreams since my mom died, and none of her. I have had dreams of her funeral and stuff, but that's been about it. Well, over the weekend (who knows what day, they all blend together) I dreamed I was at some family gathering and my mom walked into the door. I was never able to see her face or hear her voice, but I saw the rest of her.

I think I probably had this dream because I (nor anyone else) ever saw her body. Somewhere maybe I have some hope that it was not her.

Another Day

I talked with the detective yesterday. He used the phrase "slim pickins" when describing my mom's case. I don't think I was surprised to hear that. I'm beginning to wonder if this case will ever be solved. I can only hope and pray it is. I feel assured my mom's killer will face justice eventually. It may not be here on earth, but whoever did this will have to meet their Maker sooner or later.

At earlier times when I've thought about her murder remaining unsolved, I would almost become crazy (for lack of a better word). Last night as I was thinking about my conversation with the detective, and I think I may can accept that ("slim pickins"). Is it okay with me? Definitely not, but I have to accept what is and realize I can do nothing to change it. The last thing I could give my mother would be justice, but it is out of my control. I have done everything I know to do and talked to everyone I can think of to help, all to no avail.

I am powerless in this situation and have no control over what may or may not happen. I cannot let this ruin me, but accepting this reality is almost like losing her and what could have been all over again.

Again, I thank you for reading and passing the link to my blog along to others.

Nancy Grace

I don't know if anyone else saw it, but Nancy Grace did profile my mom's murder today. I am glad we got that media attention. I was talking with the detective about it, and I made the comment that it probably wouldn't help any. He told me to take whatever media time we can get. He said you never know who is watching.

I liked the way Nancy Grace referred to my mom as a "lovely lady." She also mentioned that my mom's murder took place near her hometown. Maybe something will come from this. Let's hope and pray it does.

I did talk to the detective today. I started the conversation by apologizing for any trouble I may have caused him. He chuckled and said it was okay and not to worry about it. After my apology he began to talk to me in the manner he did before my letter was in the Macon Telegraph. He encouraged me to be patient; I don't know of any other choice I have.

Update

I haven't posted in the last few days because I have nothing to post. I know no more than I did last time.

Tomorrow on Nancy Grace's program Closing Arguments, that airs on CourTV, my mom's profile is scheduled to show sometime from 3pm-5pm. Carole Sund Foundation told me to expect it to be about 2 minutes long. It may get bumped from tomorrow's show, depending on what else may be going on; if it does not air, it will be re-scheduled.

Still no word on when it will be broadcast on Nancy Grace's program on Headline Prime. I will pass along the date and time of that as soon as I know it.

I have not talked with the detective since the last posting, but I have left messages for him to call me.

I will update the blog when and if I have new information or something of interest to share. Thanks for reading and passing on my blog address.

To the best of my knowledge, there have been no changes in the status of my mom's case.

One evening this week I received a phone call from someone who knew my mother. This person had some information they turned over to the detective. I don't know if any of it will help, time will tell. This person gave me an idea of some of the stuff they have. It only confuses me more, but it does give me more insight into the person my mom was before her murder.

From this person I learned the detective got into some trouble as a result of my letter that was in the Sunday paper. I thought he acted differently this week when I talked to him, more official and business-like than before. I never intended to get him in trouble, but reading the letter now after I've had some time to calm down, I can see how that might happen. Guess next time I talk to him I'll have to apologize.

According to recent news reports, the city of Macon may have to borrow $5 million to make payroll. Will the detective get additional help? I seriously doubt it.

Well another week begins and I have no more information now than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I will again attempt to contact the detective, it may take me a couple of days but I will eventually talk to him (hopefully before week's end).

I was expressing my disbelief of his comments to someone last week. She told me I am going to have to come to peace with this myself. I don't understand how to do that. How can I ever come to peace with what happened to my mom? I just don't see it happening.

On a lighter note, this week ends nursing school for me. I can hardly believe it. I'm sad my mom did not live to see me accomplish one of my lifelong dreams.

Who decides?

For those of you in GA, I'm sure you have heard of the tragic end to Jenny Ewing's life. She was murdered on a bike trail near Atlanta. I am very sorry for her family's loss.

Having said that, I need to make a point. Her body was discovered less than 24 hours after she was reported missing. Why is it the DNA evidence on her body will be processed and results provided in 10 days? Last night Nancy Grace featured Mrs. Ewing's story on her program; why have I not heard back from her? Sonny Perdue, the governor of our state made statements about Mrs. Ewing's murder yesterday (Thursday); I had to wait for weeks to receive a reply from him. It simply stated he was forwarding my request to the head of the GBI.

Is the difference because my mother was not a socialite? Our city and state should be outraged by every life that is taken by another, not just the ones that seem to be able to attract the most media attention. Maybe Mrs. Ewing's family does not want all the media blitz that is currently going on around them. I would love just a small part of that; I think it could help find my mother's killer.

Nothing about this is fair. It is definitely not fair that my mom was murdered. But why don't all murder victims receive the same attention? My mom was an awsome lady, and I cannot begin to tell you the things I lost when she was murdered. Who decides which murder victims deserve the attention in the media and law enforcement community?

Now, on the TV I hear breaking news that the "person of interest" the police have in custody has been charged with the murder. Good work GBI.

Outrage

I am furous. I talked to the detective this afternoon. He informed me he is now working on 3 murder cases and has no update on my mom's case. Does he not have an update because he has not had time to work on it?

I have contact the Macon Telegraph, 13WMAZ, Macon Mayor C. Jack Ellis, and Macon Chief of Police. This is the gravest injustice ever. How can any one case be given the attemtion it deserves or needs when one detective is assigned 3 murder cases????

There is a huge break in the justice system.

Waiting

You'd never guess it, but I have nothing new to report. I attempted to call the detective several times today, and was never able to speak with him.

The local CrimeStoppers agency was to tape a re-enactment of the crime to air on the local TV stations. From what I understand it should be about 90 seconds in length. I had a conversation with a gentleman on their board of directors early in the month. He led me to believe the re-enactment would be done in a week or so, and would air a few days after completed. I have yet to see anything on TV about it. If anyone sees it before I do, please let me know. I think it is to air on the local CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX stations as well as 55 additional Cox Communication stations.

Death

Early this morning while at the hospital during a clinical rotation, I had the opportunity to be with a family as their mother passed away. The lady was elderly and had been declining in health for at least a few days.

I'm sure the family doesn't share my opinion, but I couldn't help but think how lucky they were. They were able to say to their mother maybe the things they had not said and were able to say goodbye. They had many years with her and knew they had done all that was possible for her before she died.

I know death is never easy, but I can't tell you what I would give to have had that opportunity with my mom. I know this family is in pain, and I am glad I was there to offer a hug, a pat on the back, and my condolencences to the family. I am very sorry for their loss.

I know the familiar saying that all things happen for a reason. I hope I am able to use my experience to be a better nurse for my patients and their families at the end of life.

Still Nothing New

Still nothing new to let you know. I haven't called the detective since our conversation Monday evening. I hope if something significant develops he would call to inform me, but I don't know if he would or not.

I am down to my last few days of nursing school, and that is a busy, busy time. I am finishing up clinical hours and taking tests. Thank God it is almost over.



This picture is very old. I believe it was taken at one of my aunt's wedding showers, and she was married in 1991. I'm glad we have it.

What Am I Thinking?

Sometimes like earlier this evening, I think to myself how can I just go on living like nothing has happened??? The fact is I am not the person I was before. And my husband will tell anyone he misses the old me.

I am now busy finishing nursing school and planning the celebration that will follow. How in the world am I to plan a celebration during the darkest moments of my life???? It may end up not being much of a celebration, but at least I'll mark the occassion with a few family and friends.

I called the detective a few minutes ago. I think he is a bit agitated with me. He asked me, "What do you expect me to get done in 8 hours?" (I last talked to him Thursday or Friday afternoon.) Well, for starters catch my mother's killer(s). I don't like calling him anymore than he likes me calling. But I am dedicated to staying on him until the job is completed, meaning the killer is captured. I know the Macon Police Detective Bureau is overworked, but I think finding one or more murderers should take priority.

I know it has almost been 4 months since her body was found, but the realization is really beginning to set in now.


This picture of me and her was taken at my aunt's wedding in 1991. My how we (I) have changed . . .

Another Week Begins

Well, time keeps ticking by and there has yet to be an arrest for my mom's murder. I keep hoping.

I read "View from a Hearse" last night. It was an interesting read. I didn't laugh at the funny stories, but I enjoyed the message at the end. I would recommend it. The last chapter or so seemed to be written for me. I needed to read that part especially.

I will call the detective tomorrow and I wish he would tell me the murderer had been identified. I want this killer to pay for what he/she/they did to my mom. At times this still seems so unreal. If only we could go back to before this happened.



This is my mom with three of her siblings. He oldest brother isn't in this picture. This was taken a few years ago at Christmas at my grandmother's home.

Ironic

Isn't it ironic how some things happen? Once my mom's apartment was released and I was able to get her belongings, I found a book that spooked me. The title was "View from a Hearse." I almost couldn't touch it. You could not imagine the thoughts I had.

Then I thought I might read it one day, but have given it little thought since. Well, yesterday I was reading Ed Grisamore's blog and I saw a reference to this book. I read that posting and followed a link to the author's blog (http://viewfromahearse.blogspot.com/) and website (http://www.brucegoddard.com/). After doing some reading on his sites and contacting the author, I think I should read this book sooner than later.

From the best of my understanding, it is of comical nature but has an underlying message I could appreciate. I think I will pull it out and maybe start reading this weekend. I'll let you know what I think.