I sit down in front of my computer really feeling the need to update but I have no words. Before anyone gets excited, there has been no news on finding mom's killer(s).

She has been on my mind so much lately. I did finally have a dream about her, but it was so out of left field. She did not look like my mom, but nonetheless it was a dream. I had it one day while sleeping for work that night. I overslept that day because I did not want to wake up and have my dream end. It really was a crazy dream but I enjoyed it. I have been hoping to dream of her for a long time so I was okay that it was crazy weird.

I think about her all the time. The bad news is that contained in those thoughts are flashes of the crime scene photos. Horrible, horrible images forever burned into my mind.

A dear friend of mine has a friend who is a psychic medium (can connect with the spirit of those who have passed on). I have talked with her, shared emails, and even went as far to schedule an appointment (that I cancelled last minute). I have never believed in psychic abilities, but I think maybe she could offer me some closure I so desparately need or maybe I'm just grasping at straws (to her credit, she has helped to solve at lease one murder case). I do know there is no easy fix for the heartache and pain I feel every single day, but I wonder if it would help ease the pain just a bit.

Before I end this post, I ask you pray for a friend and her family. Her husband is (#1 right now) on the heart transplant list. He is in the Intensive Care in Atlanta until a heart becomes available. This is such an emotional rollercoaster ride for them. If he has no more events, he will return to #3 on the list this week and come home this weekend.

Sorry it has been so long since I last updated. But truthfully, I have nothing to update. That's right, no news. Absolutely nothing new.

On my monthly calls to the detective, I get nothing. He always claims he hasn't heard anything going on with mom's case and doesn't have the file in front of him so he can't look. You know my frustrations, noone besides me seems to have any sense of urgency in finding my mom's killer(s). Yes to me, that in itself is a crime. What am I to do though, I have absolutely NO power as far as this investigation is concerned.

What a Week!

This has been one of those weeks! You know, one of those when you think what else could happen, and then you see what can!

Last weekend my stepson graduated high school. Let me just say there was a lot of accompanying drama. We dealt with that the first part of the week.

Yesterday Dane and I left home to go to the grocery store. My husband called while we were out, frantically asking where we were. I told him and he said, "The house has been broken into." Geez!! You're kidding right??? I wish!! Keep in mind he came home less than 1 hour after we had left.

Yesterday as WRPD were here and we were attempting to assess the damage, Shannon said "What else can happen?" I quickly told him not to ask, or we might would see. We are thankful we were not home when the incident occured and that no one was injured.

After filing the police report, cleaning up, and filing a claim with insurance I made a call to our realtor. In light of this past week's events, we have decided it is time to move out of this county. We have some work ahead to get our house market ready. I made a "To Do" list last night and have already begun to tackle it this morning.

Where are we going? We aren't sure, but know without a doubt it won't be Macon!

We are hoping and praying our house will sell quickly and we will find our next home without incident.

The past couple of weeks or so have been better for me emotionally. And that may be due to lack of actual time to think about what has happened. I was also able to get a couple of projects completed that I have been wanting to in honor of my mom and the memories/legacy she left me with. I wouldn't think completing those tasks would be that significant, but maybe that's just what I needed.

I still have little belief in the system. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that my mom's murderer is free on the streets of Macon and nobody really seems to have a problem with that!

I get the same story from the detective every month, so no surprises there. A couple of months ago he gave me a hint of good news, but nothing since.

The past month, especially last week, has been challenging for me. For the obvious reason of course, another anniversary with no more answers. Adding to the pain, we had a friend die this week in a tragic, freak accident. It brought back a lot of memories from two years ago. Then to top it all off, the topic for my psychology class this week was death, the dying person and grief. What a week! Before I have said, and I truly believe, all of my life experiences up to this point have prepared me for my life now.

The project I mentioned in the last post is complete. I can hardly wait to share it with my family and friends. I hoping to have it in hand by the end of the week. Friday I was so intent on completing it, I stayed in front of my laptop most of the day. Did it make me feel better to have it done? Not really, but I did have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Also, there is another idea I have been contemplating for a while and I have finally reached a decision. I don't want to give many details, I know some of you will not agree. However, I do plan to share once my idea is completed. . . stay tuned.

Thank you for following me in this horrible journey. I am always encouraged by your kind words and prayer.


Tree of Life (inspires me)

Pictures

Ok I have a request from all of you . . . could you please send me any photos you have of mom . . .PLEASE!! Pictures of her alone or her and you or whatever will work. If there is a story that accompanies the picture, share the story with me.

I am working on a project and want to get any and all pictures I can, the more the better. I know I can use the original photo and am not sure about electronic copies from you. But if someone would email me a file I will try it. Of the photos I have, I've used digital pics and files of photos scanned in (you know those before the digital camera?)! If you do send an original, I have every intention of getting it back to you.

Have questions? Need my address? A link to email me is in the "View My Complete Profile" section of this blog. Thanks for all your help!

P.S. I promise to share my creation once I have it completed.

This week has been such a challenge. . . mom's birthday, the anniversary of finding her, the news story, spring break for Dane, Shannon & Ridge's birthdays. Definitely am emotional roller-coaster.

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family who offered words of encouragement, lended an ear to listen, etc. You guys rock! I could not imagine surviving this week without each of you.

Dane being home this week has probably saved me. I have to be mom 1st; I cannot allow myself to get lost in all the emotions happening now. Have I ever mentioned he is the greatest son???

Back to the news interview, I was interested in what Capt. Barbee had to say. I want to call him today for further explanation. You know you can only say so much on TV . . .

News Follow-Up

The local news granted my request and are now working on a follow-up story on my mom's murder. A reporter and camerman recently were here and did an interview with me. The story will air at 5 & 6pm tonight on 13WMAZ; for those of you not local, you can see the story at www.13wmaz.com. Not sure when it will be posted there. . .

The interview was more emotional than I thought it would be. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, re-airing of the story will help someone to remember something. As I told the reporter, I am hoping memories of the incident are haunting someone, and will lead them to tell what they know.

Today likely marks 2 years ago my mom was murdered. I don't have the "official" date of death, but I think it was late in the evening on the 29th or early morning on the 30th. Who knows it could have happened about this time of night . . .

This week has been a challenge for me. I can hardly think about anything other than her death, be it when I learned her body was discovered, conversations with the funeral director prior to her funeral, her funeral, her burial, conversations with the detectives, etc . . .

Today has been horrible. I am so sad and angry. I am sad that my mom is dead. Sad that there will never be another opportunity to make things right. Sad and angry that she had to die alone with her murderer(s). Angry that her killer(s) is/are still free. Angry she was killed and left in her apartment for days; the coward(s) who killed her could have made an anonymous phone call. Angry that for days before finding her my family and I had to wonder, speculate, and attempt to find her. I am angry that this is my life, my reality. I am angry that I know/saw things about my mom that children should not be exposed to about their parents', no matter the age of the children. I am angry and sad I had to look at crime scene photos to know if I buried my mom or some other person.

Sorry for the pity party, just in a slump today.

Another Year Has Passed

We are quickly approaching the 2-year anniversary of mom's killing. It is so surreal. It seems like it was only yesterday and at the same time seems like it was so long ago.

I have nothing new from the detectives. From my understanding they have been busy on another case.

I have contacted a local news station about doing a follow-up story of mom's murder. I don't know if they will be interested or not, but you never know. Maybe a little media attention will help someone remember something.

Unique Position

I found myself in a weird place this week. I can't go into too many details, but I want to share my experience as best I can.

I was at work in the ER and had a trauma code. When the patient was rolled into my room, my brain immediately thought, "This could be the person who murdered my mom." Of course, I never thought I would be faced with this situation. For a fraction of a second I froze. How can I work hard and give my all to save a life that may have taken my mom's? That was my thought. But, I quickly repressed the thoughts and went about my job.

I worked hard, very hard, along with my colleagues to save this life. The tears came later. No, there was nothing specific to suggest this was my mom's murderer. But I knew the events that happened prior to the arrival of this patient and I feel this person was capable of murder.

Even though that was a few days ago, it is still weighing heavily on my mind. I never in a million years imagined myself in such a place. I amazed myself that I was able to overcome those thoughts and perform as a good nurse should. I faced those demons and am overcoming them.

I need closure and resolution, desparately.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was able to talk to the detective this week and received some encouraging news. I don't want to go into too much detail here (you never know who's reading . . .), but I have reason to hope again. I was almost at the point of losing hope, beginning to think the detectives were waiting for the killer to come and turn himself in . . . I guess I was wrong in my assumption.

Stay tuned . . .

New Year

Hoping you all had a wonderful and joyous holiday season. I made it through; I had many moments of weakness, but I think this year was better than last. A nice surprise for me was receiving a Christmas card from Sharon Rocha (Laci Peterson's mom - remember she and her unborn son were murdered by her husband Scott).

I have not visited my mom's gravesite since before the holidays. I just couldn't do it. When I had time, I was having those weak moments and when I felt I could handle it emotionally, I didn't have time. It makes me so sad to go there; I guess reality slapping me in the face.

I haven't talked to the detective since November. I had thought I would call him today, but time got the best of me. Hopefully in the morning I will make contact with him. I intentionally did not call him over the holidays. Reason #1: I didn't need to be saddened even more than I was already due to lack of progress on her case. Reason #2: To be a cold case detective, he sure is handling a lot of new, curent cases. To me that means, no real work on my mom's case.

Still haven't heard from America's Most Wanted; I will post here when I have a broadcast date. Thanks for checking in.

Wow! Yesterday began as a very emotional day for me. To start it off, I was with some friends early and one of them received a call from her mom. Her mom told her my mom's murderer had been arrested on Monday, she saw it on the local news. I read all the local headlines online from print and television sources, could find no mention of it. So, I called the detective.

Between the time I first heard what my friend's mom had to say and talking to the detective (keep in mind this was less than 5 minutes), I experienced more emotions than imagineable. Just to name a few: I was relieved (finally, they got whoever it was), anxious (oh my God! oh my God! oh my God!), grief-striken all over again (the reality was oh so real again, my mom is dead), apprehensive (did they really get the right person?; was this really my mom's case seen on the news), happy, and most of all I was wondering what this really meant.

Imagine how deflated I felt when he told me no, the news story in question was about a murder case from 1995 that was solved through DNA evidence. The victim's first name was also Carol.

While I had him on the phone I asked him about the differences in what he was telling me and what the other detective had told me. Essentially, what the other detective had told me was news to the cold case detective (the one I'm dealing with now). But he assured me he would speak with the 1st detective and make sure they were on the same page. He assured me any evidence from an "unknown source" would be in CODAS. Do I have faith in what he tells me? Not really.

Yesterday afternoon I read "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. It was an awesome read in my opinion. I am posting an excerpt of it here.

"I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart."

I don't know if this author has lost his mom, but he did a great job in capturing the moment you are told your mom has died with words.

**Frustration**

That is the best word to describe this week. I won't go into all the details, but the gist of the matter is: about a year I was given some promising news from the 1st detective only to have all of that promise erased this week by the cold case detective. I don't know if they have the same information. I should not have to coordinate that!!

I have talked to them both this week and still need to call the cold case guy back. But like I have told many of you, it really takes a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to talk to them; I think reality becomes so much more real when I do.

So, next week I will again gain hope for a resolution or be devastated due to lack of hope. Stay tuned . . . .

I have not yet made my monthly call to the detective. Last week a gentleman in Macon was murdered in his home. I know my detective is busy with the case; I see his name in the newspaper and hear his comments on the local news stations enough to know it would be pointless for me to call him now. Maybe by the end of the week the new case will have calmed down some. I wonder if he is one of the only detectives working with Macon PD now, I hardly ever see any of the other detectives names in the media.

Have yet to hear from AMW, will post here when I do.

I took the advice of a dear friend many months ago and made contact with America's Most Wanted (AMW). Today I received a letter from them requesting more information. They are specifically asking for copies of newspaper articles, police reports, and pics or videos of my mom, if available.

Right now I am in the process of copying everything I have. I don't know if I have all of the actual newspapers with aricles relating to this crime in them, but I definitely have electronic copies of all of that. I will gladly share if they are willing to help.

As for Macon PD, we are still waiting. Absolutely NOTHING new from them. Everytime I call I seem to get the same line, "It's been busy around here." And I respond, "Yes, I know. I see your name and/or face in the news frequently. However, that does not change the fact my mother is dead and her murderer is free."

Another call to the detective is due in a little over a week. I'm sure I'll get the same as always, but maybe not. I will post an update here.

And, if I here anything further from AMW as for programming schedule, I will be sure and post it here.

Update, or lack thereof

Spoke with the cold case detective again this afternoon. I am frustrated and discouraged. Our conversation lasted 89 seconds (I looked at the call timer on my cell phone).

He has nothing in writing from the crime lab, only verbal preliminary reports. He told me those reports "aren't very encouraging," but stated he doesn't go by anything unless he has it in writing. Maybe there have been differences in the verbal and written reports in the past.

I hope the written reports will identify the killer. I hate to think what it means if not. I haven't let myself go there. I had convinced myself the killer would be known once these reports were back. Soon after the DNA samples were initially submitted I asked the 1st detective what if there was no match. He told me he felt for certain there would be a match.

So, how much longer will we wait until we know for certain? Who knows. . . he gave me no indication of a timeline.

Update

I just spoke with the detective. We are still waiting results from the Crime Lab, no surprises there! I remember during one of my 1st conversations with him, he told me to expect 7 to 8 months to get those results. Well, I was looking back over my notes and saw where the original detective told me last August he had sent the DNA to be compared; yes, that's almost 11 months!! I brought this to the Cold Case detective's attention. He assured me he would do some checking and make sure the report had not "been lost in a paper shuffle." He believes the murderer is still in Macon.

On a lighter note, my family and I just returned from a beach vacation. It was wonderful; we had a good time and made some great memories! From this horrible experience I have learned to enjoy life. No more waiting until the next raise or next promotion or another bill is paid off or the boys are older or in college . . . or . . . or . . . or . . . the list could go on and on.

On my mom's birthday my MawMaw was telling me she was now able to remember happy memories with and of my mom. I have tried so hard, but am not to that point yet. I will have a good memory only to have ideas of what her last moments were like or the hell we have experienced following her death come crashing in.