Today likely marks 2 years ago my mom was murdered. I don't have the "official" date of death, but I think it was late in the evening on the 29th or early morning on the 30th. Who knows it could have happened about this time of night . . .

This week has been a challenge for me. I can hardly think about anything other than her death, be it when I learned her body was discovered, conversations with the funeral director prior to her funeral, her funeral, her burial, conversations with the detectives, etc . . .

Today has been horrible. I am so sad and angry. I am sad that my mom is dead. Sad that there will never be another opportunity to make things right. Sad and angry that she had to die alone with her murderer(s). Angry that her killer(s) is/are still free. Angry she was killed and left in her apartment for days; the coward(s) who killed her could have made an anonymous phone call. Angry that for days before finding her my family and I had to wonder, speculate, and attempt to find her. I am angry that this is my life, my reality. I am angry that I know/saw things about my mom that children should not be exposed to about their parents', no matter the age of the children. I am angry and sad I had to look at crime scene photos to know if I buried my mom or some other person.

Sorry for the pity party, just in a slump today.

Another Year Has Passed

We are quickly approaching the 2-year anniversary of mom's killing. It is so surreal. It seems like it was only yesterday and at the same time seems like it was so long ago.

I have nothing new from the detectives. From my understanding they have been busy on another case.

I have contacted a local news station about doing a follow-up story of mom's murder. I don't know if they will be interested or not, but you never know. Maybe a little media attention will help someone remember something.

Unique Position

I found myself in a weird place this week. I can't go into too many details, but I want to share my experience as best I can.

I was at work in the ER and had a trauma code. When the patient was rolled into my room, my brain immediately thought, "This could be the person who murdered my mom." Of course, I never thought I would be faced with this situation. For a fraction of a second I froze. How can I work hard and give my all to save a life that may have taken my mom's? That was my thought. But, I quickly repressed the thoughts and went about my job.

I worked hard, very hard, along with my colleagues to save this life. The tears came later. No, there was nothing specific to suggest this was my mom's murderer. But I knew the events that happened prior to the arrival of this patient and I feel this person was capable of murder.

Even though that was a few days ago, it is still weighing heavily on my mind. I never in a million years imagined myself in such a place. I amazed myself that I was able to overcome those thoughts and perform as a good nurse should. I faced those demons and am overcoming them.

I need closure and resolution, desparately.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was able to talk to the detective this week and received some encouraging news. I don't want to go into too much detail here (you never know who's reading . . .), but I have reason to hope again. I was almost at the point of losing hope, beginning to think the detectives were waiting for the killer to come and turn himself in . . . I guess I was wrong in my assumption.

Stay tuned . . .

New Year

Hoping you all had a wonderful and joyous holiday season. I made it through; I had many moments of weakness, but I think this year was better than last. A nice surprise for me was receiving a Christmas card from Sharon Rocha (Laci Peterson's mom - remember she and her unborn son were murdered by her husband Scott).

I have not visited my mom's gravesite since before the holidays. I just couldn't do it. When I had time, I was having those weak moments and when I felt I could handle it emotionally, I didn't have time. It makes me so sad to go there; I guess reality slapping me in the face.

I haven't talked to the detective since November. I had thought I would call him today, but time got the best of me. Hopefully in the morning I will make contact with him. I intentionally did not call him over the holidays. Reason #1: I didn't need to be saddened even more than I was already due to lack of progress on her case. Reason #2: To be a cold case detective, he sure is handling a lot of new, curent cases. To me that means, no real work on my mom's case.

Still haven't heard from America's Most Wanted; I will post here when I have a broadcast date. Thanks for checking in.

Wow! Yesterday began as a very emotional day for me. To start it off, I was with some friends early and one of them received a call from her mom. Her mom told her my mom's murderer had been arrested on Monday, she saw it on the local news. I read all the local headlines online from print and television sources, could find no mention of it. So, I called the detective.

Between the time I first heard what my friend's mom had to say and talking to the detective (keep in mind this was less than 5 minutes), I experienced more emotions than imagineable. Just to name a few: I was relieved (finally, they got whoever it was), anxious (oh my God! oh my God! oh my God!), grief-striken all over again (the reality was oh so real again, my mom is dead), apprehensive (did they really get the right person?; was this really my mom's case seen on the news), happy, and most of all I was wondering what this really meant.

Imagine how deflated I felt when he told me no, the news story in question was about a murder case from 1995 that was solved through DNA evidence. The victim's first name was also Carol.

While I had him on the phone I asked him about the differences in what he was telling me and what the other detective had told me. Essentially, what the other detective had told me was news to the cold case detective (the one I'm dealing with now). But he assured me he would speak with the 1st detective and make sure they were on the same page. He assured me any evidence from an "unknown source" would be in CODAS. Do I have faith in what he tells me? Not really.

Yesterday afternoon I read "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. It was an awesome read in my opinion. I am posting an excerpt of it here.

"I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart."

I don't know if this author has lost his mom, but he did a great job in capturing the moment you are told your mom has died with words.

**Frustration**

That is the best word to describe this week. I won't go into all the details, but the gist of the matter is: about a year I was given some promising news from the 1st detective only to have all of that promise erased this week by the cold case detective. I don't know if they have the same information. I should not have to coordinate that!!

I have talked to them both this week and still need to call the cold case guy back. But like I have told many of you, it really takes a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to talk to them; I think reality becomes so much more real when I do.

So, next week I will again gain hope for a resolution or be devastated due to lack of hope. Stay tuned . . . .

I have not yet made my monthly call to the detective. Last week a gentleman in Macon was murdered in his home. I know my detective is busy with the case; I see his name in the newspaper and hear his comments on the local news stations enough to know it would be pointless for me to call him now. Maybe by the end of the week the new case will have calmed down some. I wonder if he is one of the only detectives working with Macon PD now, I hardly ever see any of the other detectives names in the media.

Have yet to hear from AMW, will post here when I do.

I took the advice of a dear friend many months ago and made contact with America's Most Wanted (AMW). Today I received a letter from them requesting more information. They are specifically asking for copies of newspaper articles, police reports, and pics or videos of my mom, if available.

Right now I am in the process of copying everything I have. I don't know if I have all of the actual newspapers with aricles relating to this crime in them, but I definitely have electronic copies of all of that. I will gladly share if they are willing to help.

As for Macon PD, we are still waiting. Absolutely NOTHING new from them. Everytime I call I seem to get the same line, "It's been busy around here." And I respond, "Yes, I know. I see your name and/or face in the news frequently. However, that does not change the fact my mother is dead and her murderer is free."

Another call to the detective is due in a little over a week. I'm sure I'll get the same as always, but maybe not. I will post an update here.

And, if I here anything further from AMW as for programming schedule, I will be sure and post it here.

Update, or lack thereof

Spoke with the cold case detective again this afternoon. I am frustrated and discouraged. Our conversation lasted 89 seconds (I looked at the call timer on my cell phone).

He has nothing in writing from the crime lab, only verbal preliminary reports. He told me those reports "aren't very encouraging," but stated he doesn't go by anything unless he has it in writing. Maybe there have been differences in the verbal and written reports in the past.

I hope the written reports will identify the killer. I hate to think what it means if not. I haven't let myself go there. I had convinced myself the killer would be known once these reports were back. Soon after the DNA samples were initially submitted I asked the 1st detective what if there was no match. He told me he felt for certain there would be a match.

So, how much longer will we wait until we know for certain? Who knows. . . he gave me no indication of a timeline.

Update

I just spoke with the detective. We are still waiting results from the Crime Lab, no surprises there! I remember during one of my 1st conversations with him, he told me to expect 7 to 8 months to get those results. Well, I was looking back over my notes and saw where the original detective told me last August he had sent the DNA to be compared; yes, that's almost 11 months!! I brought this to the Cold Case detective's attention. He assured me he would do some checking and make sure the report had not "been lost in a paper shuffle." He believes the murderer is still in Macon.

On a lighter note, my family and I just returned from a beach vacation. It was wonderful; we had a good time and made some great memories! From this horrible experience I have learned to enjoy life. No more waiting until the next raise or next promotion or another bill is paid off or the boys are older or in college . . . or . . . or . . . or . . . the list could go on and on.

On my mom's birthday my MawMaw was telling me she was now able to remember happy memories with and of my mom. I have tried so hard, but am not to that point yet. I will have a good memory only to have ideas of what her last moments were like or the hell we have experienced following her death come crashing in.

Persistence

Unfortunately, I have no new news from the detectives. I plan to make an appointment with the 'cold case' detective now assigned to the case. I need him to be able to put names with faces and I need to do the same. Most importantly, I have to let him know my mom is more than a case number or file. Thanks to life in general and my work schedule, I have not had an available day to meet with him yet.

However, without getting into too many specifics, there is one aspect of this nightmare where I know my persistence has produced results. Nothing great or earth-shattering, but enough to give me the encouragement I need to keep pressing forward.

Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
--Emily Dickinson

I recently found this poem and really like it. So much that I have a print with the 1st two lines hanging in my living room. Just wanted to share it with you.

Still nothing new. I called the detective last week and was not surprised by his comment, "We are waiting on the Crime Lab." And so we wait . . . . .

Mother's Day

Here are pics of my mom's grave that I took yesterday, Mother's Day. What are you seeing? The pic of the single slab is over my mom's grave. In the box is written her name, date of birth, and (assumed) date of death. In the other pic, my mom's grave is the closest in the pic, my cousin's is next, and my PaPa's is the 3rd. The angel at the foot of mom's grave was put there by my son for her birthday (April 1st).

I saw there were new flowers at the head of her grave yesterday. If you placed them there, thank you.

I was all prepared for the day, after all this year has been going so much better, right? That's what I posted earlier. Oh well, so much for that idea. I have realized the emotions associated are ever changing. Yes, most days now are better than they had been. Yesterday was the exception to the rule. I was so upset all day. I went to her grave after lunch and spent some time there, hoping that would somehow make me feel better.

I have tried and continue to try to talk to her. Some days I feel like I am just talking to the air around me, and others it seems that maybe somebody, somewhere is listening.

Some of you may know that I have always been a bit afraid of the dead. Yes I know, "the dead won't hurt you, it's those alive you need to worry about." This all began when one of my grandfathers died, can't exactly remember with which I began to feel this way. I tell you that to say this, I think I would really welcome a visit from my mom's spirit. Am I crazy? Maybe, but I do believe in an after-life and I know that death is not the end.

Anyway, for those of you who called yesterday, please forgive me for not calling you back. I could not talk to you (for both of our sakes), but thank you so much for the calls - they meant the world to me.

Well that year mark has come and gone. I don't know how but since that date passed, I feel better. Nothing magical happened on that date, but I think I am less consumed by this now. So many people had told me the 1st year was the hardest, and at this time I have to agree. Thank God!

My thoughts are not all consumed by what happened, why, etc. I am not constantly on the verge of tears. I was able to pull from my experiences to help a friend of mine last week. Her mother died earlier this year (no similar circumstances) and she is having a very hard time. Losing your mother is horrible; I don't care what the circumstances of the death are, the relationship you have at the time, or what may have happened prior to the death. We all only have one mother and there is an undeniable bond there. Anyway I was very thankful to be able to help a friend, as I told her my strength comes in part from being my mother's daughter.

My most haunting thought now is that maybe my mom didn't fight back with all she had because of our relationship. I do not know of any evidence that would directly support her not fighting back, but she is dead. That's about all the evidence I need. I know that is a very selfish thought, but that's where I am now . . .

This morning I talked with a Captain at Macon PD. He told me that once the case remains unsolved for 1 year it will become a cold case.

This Captain will be the person who will take over the investigation at that point. He stated once he officially receives the case he will start back at square one. He will look at all the evidence and talk to potential suspects and witnesses again. I think a new, fresh set of eyes will be good. Maybe he will see something that was missed previously.

He told me he has already profiled mom's case of Fox 24's Fox Files. I did not know this, so of course I was not able to watch. I expressed to him I could not believe this was a 'perfect' crime, with the killer leaving no evidence behind; he agreed. Let's hope and pray for the best.

In my previous post I shared some of the horrific details of the day my mom's body was found. Some people have asked me over the past year did the gentleman (Brother Franklin) who preached mom's funeral not know her. That is not true. My mom grew up in Brother Franklin's church. He has known her and her family for many, many years. At the time of her funeral I was in a daze. I didn't know what or how to do. I asked Brother Franklin to keep her service generic and not mention the manner in which she died. I know the service did not serve justice to my mom's life. Then, and even now, I did not know if her murderer was in the congregation. Even if I wanted to, I cannot go back and re-do that service. What's done is done.

Even though this year has been the worst of my life, not everything has been negative. Because of this nightmare, I now know I did marry my soul mate. My husband has been my rock, always here for me, supporting and understanding. I also know I have the most compassionate little boy. He amazes me almost daily by his gentle, loving spirit. I know I have survived the past year only because of my 2 great guys!

We are coming up on a year since this horrible nightmare began. This year has taken so much from me and many others. We still have no answers; her murderer is still out there, probably somewhere in Macon.

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult, and I anticipate the same for the upcoming few. My mind has re-played events of the past year over and over. I will share some here.

I vividly remember driving home from my MawMaw's house that Sunday. My son in the back seat upset because he wanted to stay and play with his cousins. I needed to come home and take a nap before working that evening. Then the world stopped. I received a phone call from my mom's business partner, "She's in there. They found her in that apartment." I did not know at that time if that was good news or bad. I immediately pulled into the emergency lane and called my aunt; I was not sure what was happening but I knew I needed someone.

I called the business partner back. I had to ask if she was happy or sad, it could have been either with her reaction. Sadly enough, she proceeded to tell me my mom was dead, murdered in her home.

After I made sure my son was okay, I drove to my mom's apartment. As I turned onto the street she lived, I met the hearst carrying her body. This was the biggest "Oh No" moment of my life. Once I got out of my car I remember thinking and saying, "I'm not supposed to be here." This should not have been happening.

I invite you to share your thoughts and remembrances of that time. I keep telling myself this has to get better.

I hesitate to make this post. I do not want any of you to think I am feeling sorry for myself or trying to get your pity - that I am not.

These past few days have been so hard for me; I am so sad. I think the cause might be a combination of me physically not feeling well, the upcoming anniversary of mom's death, and the fact her murder remains unsolved.

I have been trying to get answers from the GA Crime Victims Advocay, without success. I get so frustrated when dealing with any of the agencies working on her case.

Sorry, I know my postings here are of the 'feast or famine' nature, either no posts for a month or so or posts for 2 consecutive days. It is the nature of the beast!

Yesterday I took the initiative to write a letter of opinion to the Macon Telegraph. The story behind the letter is this: Macon and Bibb county released statistics this week about crime rates for 2006. My letter follows (you may recognize the last paragraph, I borrowed it from a posting I did last summer):

Statistics are a joke

The newly released crime statistics for Macon and Bibb County seem to be somewhat of a joke to me. My mother, Carol Mathis, was murdered in Macon in the spring of 2006. I would be interested to see statistics regarding the ratio or percentage of violent crimes that have been solved and are waiting for processing of evidence by the state crime lab.

I am told we are waiting for evidence to be processed in my mother's case. I do not understand the delay. Does our state have that many unsolved murder cases? I am told her case will be processed "in order."

Yet, all it takes is careful watching of the news to realize this is not fact. For example Jenny Ewing's case had DNA processed with results returned within days. Why are there discrepancies? Is it because Mrs. Ewing and her family were/are more influential than my mom or family? I cannot make sense of it all.

Nothing about this is fair. It is definitely not fair that my mom was murdered. My mom was an awesome lady and I cannot begin to tell you the things I lost when she was killed.