Wow! Yesterday began as a very emotional day for me. To start it off, I was with some friends early and one of them received a call from her mom. Her mom told her my mom's murderer had been arrested on Monday, she saw it on the local news. I read all the local headlines online from print and television sources, could find no mention of it. So, I called the detective.

Between the time I first heard what my friend's mom had to say and talking to the detective (keep in mind this was less than 5 minutes), I experienced more emotions than imagineable. Just to name a few: I was relieved (finally, they got whoever it was), anxious (oh my God! oh my God! oh my God!), grief-striken all over again (the reality was oh so real again, my mom is dead), apprehensive (did they really get the right person?; was this really my mom's case seen on the news), happy, and most of all I was wondering what this really meant.

Imagine how deflated I felt when he told me no, the news story in question was about a murder case from 1995 that was solved through DNA evidence. The victim's first name was also Carol.

While I had him on the phone I asked him about the differences in what he was telling me and what the other detective had told me. Essentially, what the other detective had told me was news to the cold case detective (the one I'm dealing with now). But he assured me he would speak with the 1st detective and make sure they were on the same page. He assured me any evidence from an "unknown source" would be in CODAS. Do I have faith in what he tells me? Not really.

Yesterday afternoon I read "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. It was an awesome read in my opinion. I am posting an excerpt of it here.

"I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart."

I don't know if this author has lost his mom, but he did a great job in capturing the moment you are told your mom has died with words.

**Frustration**

That is the best word to describe this week. I won't go into all the details, but the gist of the matter is: about a year I was given some promising news from the 1st detective only to have all of that promise erased this week by the cold case detective. I don't know if they have the same information. I should not have to coordinate that!!

I have talked to them both this week and still need to call the cold case guy back. But like I have told many of you, it really takes a lot out of me mentally and emotionally to talk to them; I think reality becomes so much more real when I do.

So, next week I will again gain hope for a resolution or be devastated due to lack of hope. Stay tuned . . . .

I have not yet made my monthly call to the detective. Last week a gentleman in Macon was murdered in his home. I know my detective is busy with the case; I see his name in the newspaper and hear his comments on the local news stations enough to know it would be pointless for me to call him now. Maybe by the end of the week the new case will have calmed down some. I wonder if he is one of the only detectives working with Macon PD now, I hardly ever see any of the other detectives names in the media.

Have yet to hear from AMW, will post here when I do.

I took the advice of a dear friend many months ago and made contact with America's Most Wanted (AMW). Today I received a letter from them requesting more information. They are specifically asking for copies of newspaper articles, police reports, and pics or videos of my mom, if available.

Right now I am in the process of copying everything I have. I don't know if I have all of the actual newspapers with aricles relating to this crime in them, but I definitely have electronic copies of all of that. I will gladly share if they are willing to help.

As for Macon PD, we are still waiting. Absolutely NOTHING new from them. Everytime I call I seem to get the same line, "It's been busy around here." And I respond, "Yes, I know. I see your name and/or face in the news frequently. However, that does not change the fact my mother is dead and her murderer is free."

Another call to the detective is due in a little over a week. I'm sure I'll get the same as always, but maybe not. I will post an update here.

And, if I here anything further from AMW as for programming schedule, I will be sure and post it here.

Update, or lack thereof

Spoke with the cold case detective again this afternoon. I am frustrated and discouraged. Our conversation lasted 89 seconds (I looked at the call timer on my cell phone).

He has nothing in writing from the crime lab, only verbal preliminary reports. He told me those reports "aren't very encouraging," but stated he doesn't go by anything unless he has it in writing. Maybe there have been differences in the verbal and written reports in the past.

I hope the written reports will identify the killer. I hate to think what it means if not. I haven't let myself go there. I had convinced myself the killer would be known once these reports were back. Soon after the DNA samples were initially submitted I asked the 1st detective what if there was no match. He told me he felt for certain there would be a match.

So, how much longer will we wait until we know for certain? Who knows. . . he gave me no indication of a timeline.

Update

I just spoke with the detective. We are still waiting results from the Crime Lab, no surprises there! I remember during one of my 1st conversations with him, he told me to expect 7 to 8 months to get those results. Well, I was looking back over my notes and saw where the original detective told me last August he had sent the DNA to be compared; yes, that's almost 11 months!! I brought this to the Cold Case detective's attention. He assured me he would do some checking and make sure the report had not "been lost in a paper shuffle." He believes the murderer is still in Macon.

On a lighter note, my family and I just returned from a beach vacation. It was wonderful; we had a good time and made some great memories! From this horrible experience I have learned to enjoy life. No more waiting until the next raise or next promotion or another bill is paid off or the boys are older or in college . . . or . . . or . . . or . . . the list could go on and on.

On my mom's birthday my MawMaw was telling me she was now able to remember happy memories with and of my mom. I have tried so hard, but am not to that point yet. I will have a good memory only to have ideas of what her last moments were like or the hell we have experienced following her death come crashing in.

Persistence

Unfortunately, I have no new news from the detectives. I plan to make an appointment with the 'cold case' detective now assigned to the case. I need him to be able to put names with faces and I need to do the same. Most importantly, I have to let him know my mom is more than a case number or file. Thanks to life in general and my work schedule, I have not had an available day to meet with him yet.

However, without getting into too many specifics, there is one aspect of this nightmare where I know my persistence has produced results. Nothing great or earth-shattering, but enough to give me the encouragement I need to keep pressing forward.

Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
--Emily Dickinson

I recently found this poem and really like it. So much that I have a print with the 1st two lines hanging in my living room. Just wanted to share it with you.

Still nothing new. I called the detective last week and was not surprised by his comment, "We are waiting on the Crime Lab." And so we wait . . . . .

Mother's Day

Here are pics of my mom's grave that I took yesterday, Mother's Day. What are you seeing? The pic of the single slab is over my mom's grave. In the box is written her name, date of birth, and (assumed) date of death. In the other pic, my mom's grave is the closest in the pic, my cousin's is next, and my PaPa's is the 3rd. The angel at the foot of mom's grave was put there by my son for her birthday (April 1st).

I saw there were new flowers at the head of her grave yesterday. If you placed them there, thank you.

I was all prepared for the day, after all this year has been going so much better, right? That's what I posted earlier. Oh well, so much for that idea. I have realized the emotions associated are ever changing. Yes, most days now are better than they had been. Yesterday was the exception to the rule. I was so upset all day. I went to her grave after lunch and spent some time there, hoping that would somehow make me feel better.

I have tried and continue to try to talk to her. Some days I feel like I am just talking to the air around me, and others it seems that maybe somebody, somewhere is listening.

Some of you may know that I have always been a bit afraid of the dead. Yes I know, "the dead won't hurt you, it's those alive you need to worry about." This all began when one of my grandfathers died, can't exactly remember with which I began to feel this way. I tell you that to say this, I think I would really welcome a visit from my mom's spirit. Am I crazy? Maybe, but I do believe in an after-life and I know that death is not the end.

Anyway, for those of you who called yesterday, please forgive me for not calling you back. I could not talk to you (for both of our sakes), but thank you so much for the calls - they meant the world to me.

Well that year mark has come and gone. I don't know how but since that date passed, I feel better. Nothing magical happened on that date, but I think I am less consumed by this now. So many people had told me the 1st year was the hardest, and at this time I have to agree. Thank God!

My thoughts are not all consumed by what happened, why, etc. I am not constantly on the verge of tears. I was able to pull from my experiences to help a friend of mine last week. Her mother died earlier this year (no similar circumstances) and she is having a very hard time. Losing your mother is horrible; I don't care what the circumstances of the death are, the relationship you have at the time, or what may have happened prior to the death. We all only have one mother and there is an undeniable bond there. Anyway I was very thankful to be able to help a friend, as I told her my strength comes in part from being my mother's daughter.

My most haunting thought now is that maybe my mom didn't fight back with all she had because of our relationship. I do not know of any evidence that would directly support her not fighting back, but she is dead. That's about all the evidence I need. I know that is a very selfish thought, but that's where I am now . . .

This morning I talked with a Captain at Macon PD. He told me that once the case remains unsolved for 1 year it will become a cold case.

This Captain will be the person who will take over the investigation at that point. He stated once he officially receives the case he will start back at square one. He will look at all the evidence and talk to potential suspects and witnesses again. I think a new, fresh set of eyes will be good. Maybe he will see something that was missed previously.

He told me he has already profiled mom's case of Fox 24's Fox Files. I did not know this, so of course I was not able to watch. I expressed to him I could not believe this was a 'perfect' crime, with the killer leaving no evidence behind; he agreed. Let's hope and pray for the best.

In my previous post I shared some of the horrific details of the day my mom's body was found. Some people have asked me over the past year did the gentleman (Brother Franklin) who preached mom's funeral not know her. That is not true. My mom grew up in Brother Franklin's church. He has known her and her family for many, many years. At the time of her funeral I was in a daze. I didn't know what or how to do. I asked Brother Franklin to keep her service generic and not mention the manner in which she died. I know the service did not serve justice to my mom's life. Then, and even now, I did not know if her murderer was in the congregation. Even if I wanted to, I cannot go back and re-do that service. What's done is done.

Even though this year has been the worst of my life, not everything has been negative. Because of this nightmare, I now know I did marry my soul mate. My husband has been my rock, always here for me, supporting and understanding. I also know I have the most compassionate little boy. He amazes me almost daily by his gentle, loving spirit. I know I have survived the past year only because of my 2 great guys!

We are coming up on a year since this horrible nightmare began. This year has taken so much from me and many others. We still have no answers; her murderer is still out there, probably somewhere in Macon.

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult, and I anticipate the same for the upcoming few. My mind has re-played events of the past year over and over. I will share some here.

I vividly remember driving home from my MawMaw's house that Sunday. My son in the back seat upset because he wanted to stay and play with his cousins. I needed to come home and take a nap before working that evening. Then the world stopped. I received a phone call from my mom's business partner, "She's in there. They found her in that apartment." I did not know at that time if that was good news or bad. I immediately pulled into the emergency lane and called my aunt; I was not sure what was happening but I knew I needed someone.

I called the business partner back. I had to ask if she was happy or sad, it could have been either with her reaction. Sadly enough, she proceeded to tell me my mom was dead, murdered in her home.

After I made sure my son was okay, I drove to my mom's apartment. As I turned onto the street she lived, I met the hearst carrying her body. This was the biggest "Oh No" moment of my life. Once I got out of my car I remember thinking and saying, "I'm not supposed to be here." This should not have been happening.

I invite you to share your thoughts and remembrances of that time. I keep telling myself this has to get better.

I hesitate to make this post. I do not want any of you to think I am feeling sorry for myself or trying to get your pity - that I am not.

These past few days have been so hard for me; I am so sad. I think the cause might be a combination of me physically not feeling well, the upcoming anniversary of mom's death, and the fact her murder remains unsolved.

I have been trying to get answers from the GA Crime Victims Advocay, without success. I get so frustrated when dealing with any of the agencies working on her case.

Sorry, I know my postings here are of the 'feast or famine' nature, either no posts for a month or so or posts for 2 consecutive days. It is the nature of the beast!

Yesterday I took the initiative to write a letter of opinion to the Macon Telegraph. The story behind the letter is this: Macon and Bibb county released statistics this week about crime rates for 2006. My letter follows (you may recognize the last paragraph, I borrowed it from a posting I did last summer):

Statistics are a joke

The newly released crime statistics for Macon and Bibb County seem to be somewhat of a joke to me. My mother, Carol Mathis, was murdered in Macon in the spring of 2006. I would be interested to see statistics regarding the ratio or percentage of violent crimes that have been solved and are waiting for processing of evidence by the state crime lab.

I am told we are waiting for evidence to be processed in my mother's case. I do not understand the delay. Does our state have that many unsolved murder cases? I am told her case will be processed "in order."

Yet, all it takes is careful watching of the news to realize this is not fact. For example Jenny Ewing's case had DNA processed with results returned within days. Why are there discrepancies? Is it because Mrs. Ewing and her family were/are more influential than my mom or family? I cannot make sense of it all.

Nothing about this is fair. It is definitely not fair that my mom was murdered. My mom was an awesome lady and I cannot begin to tell you the things I lost when she was killed.

I really wish I had an update to post, but I do not. I am told we are still waiting on results from the crime lab. I do not understand the delay. The reasoning I am given is that evidence from my mom's murder will be processed in order, that it has to get in line behind the other murders with evidence to be processed. Does our state really have that many new unsolved murder cases that need evidence processed? I have to wonder. Every official I ask 'hem-haws' around the question and I don't believe I have gotten a real answer yet.

On the local news there have been reports of the decreased crime rates of Macon and Bibb County for 2006. I have seen those stories with a picture of my mom's apartment door with police tape across it accompanying the story. Those stories and statistics provide no comfort to me.

My husband tells me to start "turning up the heat" on the detectives and Macon PD. Sounds like a good idea to me, but I have no clue as to how to even begin doing that. Any suggestions?

Local News

I did not watch the local evening news yesterday, but browsing the web this afternoon I see that one local channel had mention of my mom's murder. Below is the story from the news channel's web site:

Number of Murders Down
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Web Editor: Jake Wade
Originally Created: 12/29/2006 7:30:58 PM
Last Update: 12/30/2006 12:32:55 PM

There were 12 murders in Macon in 2006. That's down from 20 murders in 2005. And 37 in 1992.

The only case where the Macon Police Department has not made any arrests is in the murder of Brenda Mathis, who was beaten and strangled in her apartment on Pursley Street in April.

The Macon Police Department says it will solve the case.

JIMMY BARBIE, MACON POLICE DEPARTMENT
"The fact that there was a time period between when the murder took place and when the body was found makes it a little difficult. The fact that we suspect it was someone who knew the victim, there's no sign of any forced entry into that apartment, but it's a solvable case and we'll solve it. We work hard to try to get the violent criminals off the street and get guns out of the hands of people and it's finally starting to show a little result."

The lower murder rate has a lot to do with getting guns off the streets, says the U.S. District Attorney for Middle Georgia.

MAXWELL WOOD, U.S. DISTRICT ATTORNEY FOR MIDDLE GEORGIA
"Approximately 50 percent of your murders in the country are committed with a gun. Approximately 50 percent of those gun murders are committed by individuals who have previous felony convictions, if you can eliminate guns from getting into the hands of convicted felons, you can reduce your murder rate by 25 percent."

The U.S. District Attorney's office has had a project called safe neighborhoods since 2001 to get guns off the streets and to get much tougher sentences for criminals who use guns.

Bibb County, not including Macon, had four murders this year. They made arrests in all four. They had eight murders in 2005.


There is a video of the clip that ran on the news broadcast. I am trying to post it here. I'm working on it . . . keep checking back . . . don't give up on me . . . .

Try to click on the following link: http://www.13wmaz.com/video/player_news.aspx?aid=31130&bw=

I have not yet taken pictures of my mom's grave. I don't know if it is really appropriate for me to do so.

When I went there Wednesday someone had placed a pot of poinsettias at her grave. I don't know who put them there, but it was a very nice gesture. If it was you, thank you.

I made an arrangement and placed it there on Thursday. I had thought about taking pictures then, but it was dark before I was able to get there. It was so painful and hard to leave the cemetery that evening.

I am posting a Christmas card here for those of you I did not send one. I wish you a Merry Christmas filled with many blessings.

No Longer Unmarked

With the death of a loved one, especially one so close as a mom, it is surprising the things that cause joy and overwhelming emotion. This morning my MawMaw called me to let me know my mom is no longer in an unmarked grave. Strange as it may seem, I feel such relief as I was really having problems accepting that. Thanks to my MawMaw's generosity and love for me and my mom, my mom now has a slab on her gravesite. I couldn't imagine a better gift for myself this Christmas.

I am getting ready to go there now. I will take pictures to post here.

Merry Christmas

Well, in about 10 days we will celebrate our Saviour's birth. And it will be the 1st Christmas without my mom. I have really been trying very hard not to be overly saddened or depressed throughout this holiday season. But, it's not always so easy. The last time I saw my mom was last Christmas. As I've posted before, it was at that time that our relationship finally seemed to be headed in the right direction. We seem to have come to a place that we could accept the other's position and be mother and daughter again.

Today my son wore a shirt to school she gave him last Christmas. I know it is only a thing, but to me it is such a precious thing as it is one of the last she gave him. She took the time and effort to pick it out just for him. It breaks my heart to realize that is all he may ever really have of her. He does not remember much about her or how much she loved him. I definitely hold him a little tighter and longer now.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!